it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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