maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
