i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
