Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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