im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
