I cannot find my penis.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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