My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
