Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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