I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize