You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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