She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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