this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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