New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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