Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize