If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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