I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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