Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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