Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
