you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
