Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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