I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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