Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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