I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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