we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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