I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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