i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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