my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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