is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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