I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
