Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
