I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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