sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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