My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Mom said you looked used
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
