Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
