mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
