my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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