Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
