Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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