my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
