hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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