Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
