im six kinds of drunk right now
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize