I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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