I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
