forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
