I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
