you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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