I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
