we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
