I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There r osticjed everywhere
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
