i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
