I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
