Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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