So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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