there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dick very happy bro
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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