you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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