do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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