john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
