saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
