Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Randomize
